He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
