He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
