a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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