Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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