I just saw a hot homeless man
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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