he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
