Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
