i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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