ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
