my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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