I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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