sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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