You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
