You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize