You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
