No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
