I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
