you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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