nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
