just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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