I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
