So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
