between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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