this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Randomize
