your parents love me but you hate me
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
