I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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