I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
