This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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