my mouth tastes like poor choices
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
