my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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