I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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