it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
