My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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