I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
