Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
