I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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