i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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