I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
