4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
