apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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