phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
