Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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