A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
