i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My Sexting was not on an AP level
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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