You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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