just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
