My underwear smells like fireworks.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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