You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
