I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize