Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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