i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
