We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
