why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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