my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
