We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
